(i haven’t watched this film for fucking ages so you know….forgive me)
So there’s this prince, right, and he’s like peng and stuff. Bit cocky though, like really cocky. And he’s all single, doing his thing, being a player…
And because he’s such a dick, he grabs attention of all the ladies. And one night, one rainy shitty night, this old lady gets all up in his face and rings on the doorbell.
And he’s like. Ew. Bitch. Get the fuck out.
And she’s like all sad because she’s old and is just a bit cold. The cocksucker could have at least made her a cup of joe. Jesus. Anyway, so the doorbell rings again and it’s some peng tine and he’s thinking “YES BOSS I IS SO ON DAT”. And she’s like “yeah whatevs shame fucker, i was the old lady and oh look i’m turning you into a beast OH LOOK YOU’RE STAYING LIKE THIS. Here is a rose, and when all the petals fall off this you will remain like this forever. If you find true loves kiss before that…then well. Yeah. You ain’t a dick no more, you ain’t gonna be a player. At fucking last you big dick.”
And he’s like…Oh shit. So he gets all angry and shit. And all his staff turns into like STUFF. So you got the talking plates and stuff.
Anyway. Focus on Belle leaving her home. Now Belle is a top babe. She’s like a sort of Hermione, but actually nice. Her dad is this crazy inventor guy, and she goes around reading books and shit and Gaston this actual BASTARD is all like “Yeah bro, totally gonna tap dat.” And she’s like “In yo dreamzzzz”.
Then there’s this bit where she’s blowing dandelion and pondering over the fact that there must be more to this provincial life. S’yeah she’s a bit unsatisfied.
And then her dad….is doing something. I think he’s going into the woods for some reason to get wood or some shit? Anyway I think he gets attacked by wolves or something….I can’t remember. Either way, he ends up at the Beasts castle for some reason, and all the house objects are nice to him but then the Beast is all like “WOT DA FUCK U ERE FOR MANZ” and he imprisons him and it’s really upsetting because they do this closeup of the old man all alone and sad. Belles at home all, Er what da fuck dad where da fuck are you.
So she gets super worried, and decides to go look for him. She ends up at the castle, and is all to the Beast “Look. Dude. You don’t do shit to my father, hate on me yh but you hate on my dad I’ll fucking…” And he’s like “Yes fine. Release her father, you must stay here”.
And she’s like “Oh holy shit FINE”
So her dad comes back and tells the village how his daughter is trapped in this castle with this crazy physcopath. And Gaston sings this song about how he’s going to go save her. Even though he’s a dick and noone likes him. For some reason his venture into the castle lasts really long.
Meanwhile, at the castle. Belle is getting serenaded by teapots and stuff, which is heartwarming. And slowly, well through an emotional montage of gleeful scenes, the Beast finally falls for her.
Insert intense zoom up of petals falling off rose.
Anyway, so one night, he gives her this gorgeous dress, and they’re all dancing in this beautiful library? Is it a library? I think it’s a room. Anyway, it’s well nice. And she’s all Omg I wuv him, because she’s well deep and don’t care about the fact he is an actual beast. Not beast ugly…just a beast. And that TALE AS OLD AS TIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYYMEEE song is playing. It’s fucking gorgeous. Like seriously, heartwarming shit right there.
Zoom up on Gaston sharpening up tools and shit.
I remember them having a winter or something, but that could be in the second one…
So all the villagers are getting ready to take down the beast and save down. And you’re all shouting at the screen like FFS GUYS LEAVE HER BE SHE’S HAVING THE FUCKING TIME OF HER LIFE WITH THIS GUY THATS NOT A GUY BUT THEY’RE DANCING AND SHIT AND ITS SO FUCKING NICE. Anyway.
So there, trying to get into the castle. And it’s all locked and shit. And they’re like barging the door with this massive log. Meanwhile PETALS.FALLING.OFF.ROSE. And the last one is about to fall off. Oh yeah, theres been like two scenes of them about to kiss, and you want it to happen because then he’ll be human again.
OH FUCKING YEAH. Theres this bit right where Belle sees the rose, and shes like :O and he gets bare angry.
Ok right. Back to the villagers getting their swag on. So they’re all in the house, and then the house objects start fucking ripping the shit out of them. And you’re liek YEAH YOU GO WARDROBE, YOU HIT GASTON, YOU HIT HIM. Yeah so it’s complete fucking madness, LIKE FFS GUYZ JDKFHDGJKHDFFHFHFH. Natalie is biting her fist here.
Then there’s this really tense moment when Gaston is one on one with the Beast and you’re like HOLY SHIZZAAHHTTTT. And he’s about to fall off the like balcony…he’s about to die. Didn’t want to say it. But there we go.
Anyway…I think he pushes Gaston off it.
Then Belle comes out.
And fucking hell, it’s the most beautiful thing. And the last rose petal is about to fall, but it’s aight. He’s human. And he’s all gorgeous, and she’s all happz. And the house becomes all happy and pretty. All the teapots turn into humans. And they have this happy happy party and it’s just so BEAUTIFUL.
i cannot thank you enough. this was perfect. just beautiful.
“The Clock” is a great video piece by Christian Marclay that is currently on display at White Cube gallery in London.
‘The Clock’ is constructed out of moments in cinema when time is expressed or when a character interacts with a clock, watch or just a particular time of day. Marclay has excerpted thousands of these fragments and edited them so that they flow in real time. While ‘The Clock’ examines how time, plot and duration are depicted in cinema, the video is also a working timepiece that is synchronised to the local time zone. At any moment, the viewer can look at the work and use it to tell the time. Yet the audience watching ‘The Clock’ experiences a vast range of narratives, settings and moods within the space of a few minutes, making time unravel in countless directions at once. Even while ‘The Clock’ tells the time, it ruptures any sense of chronological coherence.
‘The Clock’ plays with how audiences experience narrative in cinema, examining the conventions and devices through which filmmakers create a persuasive illusion of duration. When watching a film, an audience is removed from normal time and swept up in a new register that corresponds to the narrative at hand. ‘The Clock’ transforms this condition of cinema: time, in this case, corresponds precisely to the actual time beyond the work.